Setting Boundaries: With Ego or Spirit
WEAKNESS OR STRENGTH?
Living a spiritual path, truly seeking a deeper meaning to your life, and wanting to feel inner peace and contentment in a world spinning out of control, can be a real challenge. Keeping yourself grounded, centered, and connected to spirit no matter what life throws at you can bring incredible depth and true joy to your life. You become less attached to expectations not only of yourself, but the people around you. You know that each one of us is living and experiencing what we need to at any given moment. You move out of needing to control every waking second into allowing life to unfold. Part of this process leads you to sharing your peace through acts of love and kindness when people around you need it most.
When someone does something you don’t like, when people in general commit horrible acts and disappointing behaviors, the ego within us wants to punish them, IMMEDIATELY! If you have children, I am sure on more than one occasion you have felt this arise when your child does something you least expect, something they should not be doing. We are so appalled at the behavior we slip into lunatic mode and start on a rant you want to record and listen to years from now. The urge to punish is a gut reaction, but is there another way to respond, to still have boundaries with people, and do it while still connecting to our spiritual nature?
There is a common misconception that if you are always loving and kind you can’t possibly have boundaries. Or better yet you appear weak and will let people walk all over you. This world loves to show strength with aggression, that’s just the nature of duality. The yin and yang, good and evil, this constant back and forth is the way in which this world behaves, like it or not. Is there a way to have incredible inner strength, set boundaries when you need to set them, and still maintain the connection to your greater spiritual self? Does maintaining inner peace mean you don’t say no, have an opinion, or stand up when something is apparently wrong? Why does maintaining peace get interpreted as I do nothing?
IDENTIFY WHAT YOU ARE DOING
One of the most common misconceptions about connecting to your spiritual side is that you stay silent, or you don’t respond because you’re peaceful, or because you know this is an illusion so why bother. These can often appear as though you don’t care, you are on a spiritual pedestal, or you are living in Lala land! There are many people claiming to be spiritual that appear totally disconnected from what is happening in the world, and in the immediate world around them. They might even appear flaky or aloof. However, it is possible to have both of your feet firmly planted on the ground, be connected to the spirit within, set boundaries and stand up for yourself and others when necessary. Practicing kindness, love and respect, as well as forgiveness of others does not mean that you are caving, bowing down to authority, or anything like that. You can be spiritually connected and show love and strength simultaneously. However, in order to do this, you must be able to see what you are currently doing in order to fix it.
For example, the ego’s main objective is to attack. Knowing this can be incredibly helpful in analyzing which side of your mind is at work. If you’re first reaction when you feel you have been wronged is to attack, notice this. You may not be able to change it just yet, but simply take a look and recognize where you are coming from. From this aspect of the mind, attack, seeking revenge, getting even, I’ll show them, all of these fit into the ego’s playbook. Because most of us unknowingly identify with this side, it’s normal in this world to respond in this manner. After all, we have been conditioned to believe this is how we should operate. If someone has hurt you, whether it was physically, emotionally, or their actions simply hurt your feelings, most of us will react by getting back at them in some way. You might tell them off with a barrage of verbal assaults, or maybe you elect for a more passive aggressive style of purposely ignoring the person to teach them a lesson. Whatever style your personal identity uses, if it is coming from attack, being aware of this is critical if you desire to change it. Just like anything, nothing changes until you see what you are doing.
Although the ego side of the mind will want to dictate and convince you that attacking someone who attacks us is the right way to act, is it? It’s one thing if someone is physical assaulting you, by all means defend yourself. However, if someone is simply luring you into a repetitive pattern you simply can’t get out of, notice, are you taking the bait and responding in an attacking manner? Are you mirroring the behavior; therefore, you are doing the same thing you despise in the attacker? These are important questions to ask yourself if you feel you are in a never-ending loop with a person, or if you are demonstrating the same patterns with many different people. What and who is the common denominator?
WATCH YOUR REACTION BEFORE TRYING TO CHANGE ANYTHING
Once you have identified how you react, the next thing to consider is simply watching yourself for a while before you try and change everything. Do you jump on the defensive and want to attack regularly, or is this only with certain people? If it’s only with certain people, what is it about your relationship with them that creates this response in you? Going to the deeper places first, inquiring within yourself can naturally bring more awareness to these situations as they are happening. When you begin to ask questions, the next experience gives you another opportunity to see how you respond, and why you are responding the way you are.
After you watch your behavior patterns for a while, you can begin to see how quickly you simply react. Do you notice how much time you wait to respond? Or are you immediately setting out on a mission to squash the person making your life complicated? The more awareness that is born within you, the more time will elapse before you respond. Breathing into that subtle sacred space can feel like an eternity and can offer you the chance to relax, think about how you want to approach the situation, before you start spewing word vomit you might later regret. Giving yourself a little time can begin your path to seeing in a new way. Without awareness, the opportunity to alter your experience or any future encounter is limited. It’s not impossible, but it leaves your door in the mind closed to other options.
When you feel seasoned in observing your behavior with others, when you understand what you perceived as a strength might actually be a weakness, the doorway within opens wider. The wider the door opens the more opportunity you are giving spirit to shine and show you another way. Taking a step back, instead of lunging forward to create another dramatic looping cycle, gives you time to connect to a wiser teacher. Before, your ego was dominating every situation, possibly causing more harm than good, which is standard from this aspect of the mind. Now, you are carving out new territory in unchartered waters awakening a childlike curiosity. This curiosity is leading the way, showing you there are other ways of handling relationships and interactions with others that can still be done while connecting to spirit. You can still develop healthy boundaries in a kind, loving, and firm way without falling into the same consistent trap. When your desire to feel peace rather than misery in all situations, good or bad, then you are ready to transition from watching yourself into implementing and actually practicing this connection in your life.
SPIRITUAL WARRIOR WHO SETS BOUNDARIES
Shifting from attack thoughts equal strength into the compassionate, loving, and kind space of spirit is a completely new way to live, especially if you were mentally covered in heavy layers of armor. When your battle shields begin to come down, you adopt a new sense of strength. This strength is no longer coming from your controlling know-it-all mind, but rather a much wiser more powerful spiritual mind. Handing over your difficulties to this larger sense of self within takes you down a new road, a road you never knew existed. Committing to this inner connection brings a spiritual warrior spirit, not a warlike warrior, but a warrior of Truth, an invisible warrior standing strong in principle, treating others respectfully no matter where they are coming from, and not wavering from this position. Keeping yourself stable in peace and extending it to others, even those you appear to disagree or battle with, is a real strength.
Staying in connection gives you the space to see others as equals. Spirit shows you that underneath the pettiness of the world, we each share the same destiny of returning to who we truly are. Seeing this in another is always an option, however, you can still establish firm loving boundaries if there is need for physical separation from another. Just because you may have difficulty with others in the world, does not mean you can’t handle the situation in peace with spirit. The ego will quickly try to lure you to the dark side of getting even. When this happens, just watch it. See it for what it is. Even if you attack, you can see it. You can go back to spirit and forgive the situation knowing you will have another opportunity to try again. This is what practicing the connection is all about. It won’t be perfect for this is not a perfect world. It isn’t about being perfect, nor is it necessary. Acknowledging when you are in the ego mind and when you are in spirit gives you the freedom to choose and choose again if necessary.
When you feel grounded and comfortable being true to your spiritual nature, you may find you don’t need to separate from others. You may have disconnected from others who think differently than you, those that are consumed in negative thought patterns, or the cliche today of toxic people. There is a strong narrative in the world to get away from these people. But when you develop a true inner strength, the behavior of others may not affect you the same. You will see this totally differently. Your strength within will understand them, you will have compassion and empathy for their struggle, and you will know full well their experience does not need to intrude or affect you. The spirit within is so strong, and when truly in harmony, your love, peace, and calm will extend to them. That is what spirit does, extends to All, not to the few who think like you. Staying connected keeps you stable and centered in your own boundary so you can be around any type of person and not be bothered. It doesn’t mean you need to be around them all the time, but it does mean that you see the loving presence in them no matter what appears to be happening on the surface. This true place of freedom gives you a strength you have never experienced before, and a true spiritual boundary. It leaves you open and capable of shining a light for those that may need it most.