The Ego’s Dysfunctional Relationships: How to Shift into Compassionate Communication for a Peaceful Life

YOU THINK YOU KNOW SOMEONE

Do you hold an image of someone close to you, someone you think you know quite well, maybe even better than they know themselves, then they behave in a manner you least expect? The question to ask is, did you really know them? Or did you have an image of what you projected them to be, meanwhile, that is not who they are at all? This surprise action happens to everyone. It’s easy to put all of your faith into other people, only to get burned, feel betrayed, or left in a state of bewilderment feeling more confused than ever before.

The only way any of these misconceptions are possible is due to each one of us having our own unique perception of the world around us. No two perceptions are the same. Then, add your own personal experiences, story, life traumas, that are automatically injected into anything you see, whether you are aware of it or not.

You might have a view of another person simply because they treated you a certain way twenty-five years ago. Does this mean the person is still the same way? Does it mean that any of the past is still present? It may or may not be, but you will pull this into your current understanding of them as a reference point.

What is responsible for holding onto images, grudges, experiences, and the plethora of beliefs that invade the mind on any given day, you got it, the ego mind. The ego’s strong sense of self-identity and separation weaves its way into your perception of the world around you. It loves to create a movie set in your mind and an entire drama acted out by you as the main character, and the supporting roles are given to the people interacting in your life.

When you are thinking and believing the ego’s dream, it is very easy to have impressions of others that may or may not be true. This is why people can catch you by surprise. Did you create a character of who you believed them to be? Or did they pull a fast one and implement the ego’s strategy of manipulation and self-preservation? Let’s take a deeper look at why it can be difficult to ever really know someone.

LACK OF COMMUNICATION

What’s one major problem in any relationship today, whether it’s personal, romantic, professional, cultural, governmental, you name it, this applies to any person or group trying to communicate with another. . . LACK OF DIRECT COMMUNICATION.

How many people do you know who speak the truth of how they feel? Do you know people who dance around what they really want to say then you’re left guessing what it means? Do people tell you you should know how they feel, yet you have zero clue?

To the contrary, are you afraid to tell someone how you feel for fear of hurting their feelings? Do you distance yourself from others without explaining why you are doing so? All of these questions affect most of us on some level. When you recognize this is happening, then you can become proactive in choosing to communicate differently.

Here are ways in which the ego projects and behaves to create dysfunctional communication.

• Vague

• Passive aggression

• Silently disconnecting

• Creating confusion

• Hurtful tone

• Angry and aggressive

• Pulls away temporarily/permanently

• Indirect

• Ignoring a person or group

• Denies

• Protects/preserves

• Manipulates

• Self-gratifies

• Conditional

• Refuses to discuss an issue

Now let’s look at why the ego chooses these techniques. Once you identify the why and understand this aspect of your mind, then you can begin to shift into the loving spiritual side of your true self. Discovering this spiritual quality can alter how you interact with any type of relationship. You can begin to rebuild a dysfunctional cycle.

HOW TO UNDERSTAND THE EGO’S PLAYBOOK - 5 QUESTIONS TO ASK

The ego is only looking out for number one, that’s you as a separate identity. The ego will preserve itself at all costs and it uses any of the above tactics to achieve this, even if that means hurting, ignoring, or blaming the people closest to you. Without knowing any of this, life continues on a back-and-forth cycle, doesn’t it?

Extreme ups and downs are common, being happy together for a while until something triggers an explosive event that takes forever to work through. This cycle repeats itself indefinitely until you are ready to see beyond the ego’s clever game.

When you are ready, and I am guessing you are if you are reading this, then it’s time to ask the tough questions, and see where you are avoiding direct communication in your life, and how you can begin to shift into compassion and understanding.

Here are a list of questions that might help you get started making this fundamental change.

1. Are you communicating directly with those around you? Do you think you are direct, yet others around you are not understanding where you are coming from? Do you need to express yourself more deeply so you are all on the same page?

2. Do you struggle to communicate your feelings? Do you have difficulty knowing what you feel? Are you so full of cover ups that you are resisting your own deeper truths? Is your mental chatter clouding what you really feel?

3. Do you use any of the ego’s tactics listed above? If so, which ones? Why do you think you use them? Are you afraid of what might happen if you do express yourself?

4. Can you identify when you are siding with your ego? Can you see when you might put up any number of defense mechanisms to avoid going into the depths of yourself?

5. Why do you think it’s difficult to communicate how you really feel? Has any past environment influenced you to behave in this way, any experience, or is this simply how you have always been?

CHOOSING COMPASSION- 5 TOOLS TO EASE COMMUICATION

Now that you have listed all the potential possibilities for choosing the ego’s tactics, here are some tools to move you into your spiritual self for a more compassionate peaceful way to communicate with anyone in your life.

1. When you are expressing how you feel toward someone, can you do it in a very calm loving manner, from your spiritual side, even if some of the things you may say may affect the other person? Can you phrase things by saying, this is simply how I am seeing it, I may be wrong, and if I am, can you please help me understand your point of view? This leads to less conflict and more heart felt dialogue, rather than leaving the other person feeling under attack.

2. Work to communicate directly with others. Notice if you have left any pertinent information out and how can you include everything so that each party is fully understanding each other. Explain that you are working on this and will not be perfect at it right away.

3. When you feel yourself getting defensive or wanting to disconnect, ignore, or attack the person you are communicating with, just notice that this is happening. Recognize the ego is at work and acknowledge this in yourself. If you can’t stop it while it’s happening, communicate later with the person. Apologize and recognize what you were doing. Express why you were behaving in this way and forgive the situation if you are able.

4. Really listen to what someone is telling you. Avoid what your mind is telling you they mean, because that can be an image, and not based in reality. Notice when you say things like, “They don’t mean that, or they aren’t sorry, or they really think this.” This simply invites further disconnection, which is what the ego desires. Trust their words until they prove you otherwise. If there is a repeated pattern of distrust, then communicate why you feel this way. Recognize that people are human and will behave based upon what they are thinking and believing in any given moment. This will open the door to understanding why people do what they do.

5. When you see the dysfunction setting in, look at all the ways in which the ego may be at play from your perspective. If the other party is coming from the ego’s perspective, there is nothing you can do to change this for them, however, you can understand why they are seeing it in this way. You may not agree with it, but at least it will make sense to you. Keeping yourself siding with your loving compassionate side will keep the other person calmer, even if you cannot resolve the issue at hand. If you come to an impasse, and there is no resolution available, you may need to distance yourself from each other. As long as this is communicated, you will feel much better about your decision.

Unless the people you are around are open to working through the dysfunctional elements of your life together, doing it on your own will be challenging. But it will ultimately lead you to a deeper connection to your peaceful spiritual self and the realization that everyone wakes up in their own time.