Forgiveness: The Gateway to Peace
THE REALITY OF FORGIVING
Forgiveness is one of the hardest things for many of us to do. Most of the time we find a way to make ourselves right, therefore the other person is wrong. If someone has wronged us in some way, and depending on the severity of their chosen behavior, the ego within wants to block this person from ever contacting us again. Have you run into this in your life? Did someone do something you least expected and forgiving them seemed like an impossible feat? Well, if this is you, you are not alone. At some point in life people surprise us. Without knowing it, we place expectations on ourselves and everyone around us, then when these expectations in our minds are not met, we get very upset, disappointed, and feel like someone has purposely attacked us.
This may be true when you are looking through the eyes of a conflicted mind. But, when you begin to see that the ego mind is really the one that wants to seek revenge, or punish someone by not speaking to them, play the passive aggressive teacher you feel is appropriate at the time, or better yet, you say you have forgiven them, yet you continue to dislike everything they do and say to you. All these examples are ways in which the ego mind distracts us from truly finding what it means to forgive. The back-and-forth charades the ego loves to play can block you from ever finding the inner peace you desperately want. The ego can be so strong that you don’t even realize being at peace is what your higher self truly desires.
JUDGMENT
One of the ways in which we fail to forgive another is our constant obsessions with judging what other people are doing. Before you claim to not be part of that club, just watch yourself daily. When you go anywhere, whether it’s work, the grocery store, a friend’s house, to your favorite restaurant, a beloved shopping destination, what is going on in your head? Are you chattering about in there asking a million questions about why the person in front of you is taking so long? Do you see a more efficient way they could speed things up? Are you assuming that you know everything about this person and what is best for them, but you’ve never even met them? It’s truly amazing what our minds come up with all in the span of a few minutes.
If you are seeking to forgive someone in your life, one of the first things to notice is how you are judging them. This doesn’t mean that what they did was okay, but is there a part of you that can see it from their point of view? If you were them, and you believed what was going on in their head, would you have done the same thing? This is an interesting tactic to use when you are really struggling to move on from an unfortunate situation with another person. The ego will so easily jump in and make you feel you are entitled to feel hatred, judgment, and righteousness. You may want to hold on to all these feelings that justify you NOT forgiving them. However, does it really make you feel better to hold this grudge? Have you really let it go if you continue to make it a major part of your life?
Holding on to judgment can keep you stuck from moving on. Judgment reinforces that you are right, and the other party is wrong, leaving you feeling like the superior person. This is what the ego loves, it seeks constant separation and projection. Somehow because they did something unforgiveable, they are the bad guy, and you are the good person. You can certainly live in this way, but it never gives you the opportunity to truly join with the spiritual side of yourself, or the other person. Underneath these bodies is a deep connection to who we really are. Continuing to judge others will keep us feeling separated and divided from them. If you really yearn to feel better, then forgiveness is the ticket to liberation. What would you feel like if you let go of it?
CONTROL
Another reason we find ourselves with other people in our lives is we get so attached to needing to control everything. No matter how you look at it, everyone has some element of wanting control of their lives. Some may hide behind “I'm not a control freak. No way, not me!” But, if you are willing to get real with yourself, you will most likely discover that there is a part of you that wants things a certain way. Not only do we want things a certain way for ourselves, but we think we know what is best for those around us. When you are curious enough to look within, why do we feel like we have the authority to know what is best for another person? It’s like we are playing God, preaching to others what they should or shouldn’t be doing?
Now, if you have young children, you are gifted with being their authority figure. You simply must look out for them, or they are bound to hurt themselves. As those kids get older and approach adulthood, you start letting them figure things out on their own. First off, teenagers know everything so whatever you tell them they could care less, and second, you might realize the more controls you put on them, the more turbulent they become. Even though you think you know what is best for them, maybe it isn’t. Maybe they need to go through some difficult times in order to learn whatever their own path is teaching them. Dropping the need to control their every move, and this goes for colleagues, friends, and significant others too, can alleviate unnecessary control. Why do you need to control what they do? Does it directly affect you, or are you just looking out for them? It’s difficult to watch those we love and care about make decisions we ourselves would never make. But trusting that they are always exactly where they need to be, just as you are, is helpful when you are trying to let go of things that no longer work in your life.
Eliminating control is another tool that leads to forgiveness. It opens the door to your compassionate self and recognizes that everything that happens in our lives is always a learning opportunity. It shows you there is another way to live. Putting up walls, holding animosity toward another, or refusing to accept someone’s honest forgiveness only keeps you from seeing the spiritual side of yourself. It blocks you from seeing what is always available. When you can rise above the battle in your mind and decide if you want to see with your ego or with spirit, you are beginning to regain the discipline it takes to free yourself from repetitive cycles.
ADMITTING WHEN YOU’RE WRONG
Let’s face it, it’s hard to say you did something wrong. Just watch a small child coming to terms with needing to apologize. They don’t like it, do they? Parents are pushing them into something they are not comfortable with. Most kids and grown adults either stop talking, leave the room, or hang up the phone when they are caught red handed. The ego in us does not want to see this. The ego always wants to be right, and project the wrong onto someone else, someone outside of ourselves. Just notice in your own life how quick you are to think you are right and what the other party did was not okay. This is how the world works. This dual world always represents these two sides. It’s impossible to escape it. However, there is another way to view it that allows you to let go and surrender to the peace that calls you.
Getting comfortable with being honest, telling someone when you are wrong, and acting on it can be really freeing. Even if the other person does not accept your apology, at least you have done your part. You can’t make someone forgive you, you can only do what feels right to you and the rest is up to them. A question to ask yourself is, “Do you need them to forgive you?” This is a tough question to answer. Are you seeking their approval, or are you genuinely letting go of needing a specific outcome? Can you see why they may not want to forgive you? Can you understand where they are coming from? Asking these questions can help when you are getting comfortable communicating and sharing when you have made a genuine error.
The next step after seeking forgiveness from another is learning how to forgive yourself. This is a huge task and perhaps is the largest one of all. Religions have done an excellent job of projecting “Original Sin” onto everyone. There is a part of all of us that feels guilty inside, about anything and everything. From A Course in Miracles’ perspective that guilt is simply our own doing. It is based on our own belief in separation, that we separated from God and now there is incredible guilt and fear over this belief. You could argue this is what sin is. From the Course’s vantage point, everything else is a cover up for this fundamental error in our minds. Forgiveness is the main tool throughout A Course in Miracles to return to who we really are. Forgiving that error in our mind, that we believe we are separate from God, is the only forgiveness the Course claims is necessary. Correcting this belief is the main problem in our minds. You can refer to this previous post on A Course in Miracles for more insights.
FORGIVENESS AS A MEANS OF HEALING
No matter what your personal beliefs are, it’s hard to argue that forgiveness is a waste of time. Forgiveness is for those who are ready to release the heaviness from their lives. The amount of emotional memory we can hold on to is astonishing. Why hold it? What are you gaining by holding on to something that one makes you angry, and two, prevents you from seeking the peace that awaits you? If this is you, it’s simply a way to protect yourself. Letting your guard down opens the door to an entirely new world and makes people very nervous. What would it be like to let go of the trauma that happened a decade ago? How would you feel if this no longer bothered you? Would you rather relive something horrible in your mind every day, or truly forgive the situation, surrender, and discover the healing you need?
It seems like a simple answer. Yet, many people have no idea how to do it. How do you let go of something that has molded you for so long? How do you forgive the situation and unite with the spiritual nature that you are? The ego will not make it easy, so recognize that right away. The ego will put up distractions, blocks, and memories to make you want to continue reliving the past. When you see this, just acknowledge that that is what is happening. You are simply listening to the ego. There is always another chance to see it with spirit. Pull out of the mind, watch with the observer, the non-judgmental awareness sitting in you, and just see it. Don’t beat yourself up, don’t belittle yourself, just see it for what it is. Go easy on yourself. Perfection is impossible here. This is the classroom, and you are the student. If you come down hard on yourself, just lighten up next time. Don’t judge it. Just see it as a learning tool and there will be another opportunity to join with peace.
If you find yourself stuck in a challenging time in your life, and you have no idea what to do to change it, join with the observer, the place of non-judgment and understand that you simply don’t know yet. Forgive yourself for not having all the answers. Trust that spirit will guide you exactly where you need to be when you need to be there. Getting caught up in the ego’s sad story will only prevent you from the freedom you desire. Using every opportunity to connect with the higher self, the real spiritual center of you, will make all the difference releasing difficult attachments. And remember this classroom of life is always a work in progress. If we really understood this, we wouldn’t be here. When you shift your perception from knowing everything to not knowing anything, you become open to all possibilities that exist, which includes your capacity to experience real forgiveness.