After the Honeymoon: Disorienting Aspects of Awakening
THE HONEYMOON OF AWAKENING
Do you remember the first time you were curious about the deeper meaning in life? Was it a book you were reading? Was it a movie or documentary, or a speaker that sparked an inner quest of self-discovery? Maybe you were born with it? Has it been with you as long as you can remember? Or did a sudden life experience pull you into a completely different world? Whatever life has presented you, whether you are a spiritual seeker, or you had a spontaneous event, there is always a moment when you desire to look for something greater. You want an answer to this burning question about the purpose of life?
In the beginning, searching can be incredibly exciting. You can’t get enough of new age books, spirituality, ancient texts, attending seminars, meditation circles, listening to gurus, metaphysics, and any other topic concerning consciousness and the nature of self. Tapping into mindset, mindfulness, eliminating negativity in your life, you name it, you are doing it. And you can’t get enough! As far as you are concerned you have hit the jack pot! Anything for self-betterment is right up your alley. How can I be a good person, be more spiritual, loving and kind? How can I have more spiritual experiences that feel expansive and exhilarating? How can I connect with this field of awareness and feel one with the universe? How do you grab ahold of bliss and ecstasy?
In this stage of awakening, you are drawn to like-minded people. You might distance yourself from those you think don’t resonate with you, and without knowing it, you may think you are spiritually superior. It happens. It’s part of the journey. The ego will disguise itself on your own awakening path. It is still very much at work, yet it’s common not to notice this yet. In fact, you might take a strong stance that your ego is definitely gone, but everyone elses is firmly in check. What is not known to your ego during the honeymoon phase of awakening, is it has a secret target on its back. It’s listed on America’s Most Wanted and is most certainly the main character of the undoing process. Little does it know that it will be dismantled, one layer at a time.
SUBTLE SHIFTS IN PERCEPTION
If you continue down the path, whether by choice or by circumstance, you will eventually start to feel the rumbling within. This rumbling is subtly communicating with you that something else is here for you, yet it hasn’t made its grand entrance just yet. It’s still an exciting curiosity in your mind. You sense something much deeper beneath the surface and you are eager to learn more about it. You may begin to shift in your mind, you many become more open to all possibilities that exist in the world, you might notice you are not so rigid in your thinking and find it much easier to flow with life.
You sense there is a purpose to everything around you and we are all part of the same source. You feel interconnected with nature and the environment around you, that somehow you are always in the right place at the right time. You may believe that everything is happening for a reason, even if it isn’t so pretty. You seem certain all things are here for your highest good and there is a loving intelligence here to remind everyone of this truth. You feel compassion for your fellow man and see yourself in all things around you. You are quite literally feeling oneness with others and completely ecstatic about your new state of being.
Another subtle shift is actively choosing to see things in a new light. You are recognizing if you simply alter your perspective, your experience of the world changes. What you put out into the world is returned to you, or at least you believe it to be so. You might become fascinated with energy and the frequency of thought. You realize that your state of mind really does matter. It affects how you feel everyday, so you work to keep yourself clear and in a state of flow. Holding on to your past, your grievances, traumas, emotions, all of these things are no longer necessary. You are beginning to see that you are creating your own reality. If you have a bad day and wallow in your darkness it brings you down, but if you simply shift your vantage point, you uplift your energy field and begin to lighten up, and ultimately feel much better.
DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE
At some point, the spirit within will call you deeper. This is when the ego’s warning lights will start flashing in your mind. An inner shift will occur that will be very unsettling. It may feel like a foreign invasion into your space which will immediately send the ego into self-preservation mode. What is that? What feels so different in my mind and possibly your body? You start feeling like everything is changing, nothing makes sense anymore, and there is something within you that feels it to your core. It’s no longer an exciting, wonderful feeling, it’s a scared feeling, a feeling of uncertainty about feeling so different.
You may experience states of expansion which make you feel limitless and out of body. These experiences can happen at any moment, not just when you are in the silence of your meditation practice. You might feel like you are disconnecting from the body and exploring a limitless life, yet it’s very uncomfortable, especially if you are in public. You are trying to live your life, yet all the while you are having these sensations that make no sense. You might try to explain them to others and you get nothing but questionable stares with zero response so you simply start keeping it to yourself. Something is off and you want it to stop. Life is starting to appear unreal, illusory almost, which brings about intense fear to your ego mind. You no longer participate in things you used to because it isn’t comfortable. Feeling like you are everywhere posing an entirely new challenge you don’t want to figure out.
This phase of awakening is when you wish you could reverse course. Let’s turn this ship around ASAP! Unfortunately, you have no idea how to do that. You feel like something has control of the ship and it isn’t you. There is something much deeper happening. You feel like you are losing yourself, as if an aspect of yourself is disappearing. The ego does not want this to happen so fear is rising to the surface boxing you in. What once felt like a magical spiritual adventure has now turned into a runaway train that you can’t seem to get off. At this point, you begin to feel confused, frightened, and upset that everything you thought to be true, is simply not. The field of awareness is making itself larger and larger, pulling you into a vastness your mind does not understand, nor does it want to. At this stage, you have no interest in sliding any deeper down the rabbit hole. You want out.
DISORIENTING RADICAL SHIFTS
Unfortunately, when you are meant to see differently you will, whether you want to or not. When you are destined to shift out of the small self, which you previously identified with, you will even if you are resisting it the entire time. It’s normal to resist this. In fact, that is exactly what the ego does, protect itself. It never saw itself as the target of the initial spiritual awakening, yet now it senses a target on its back and its ready for battle. Knowing this is how the ego thought system operates, will make all the difference in your own personal experience.
When consciousness radically shifts within you, it can be incredibly disorienting. Your previous perception seemed centered within a separate self, however, this shift has erased that feeling. You may feel you are part of the whole and the sense of a separate self has vanished. This can be incredibly overwhelming and can take a long time to fully assimilate. It may seem like there is no reference point within you. There is nothing to fall back on, it’s as if it’s flowing through you without a stopping or check point. There is no beginning or end to your mental and/or physical experience in the world. This extreme shift cannot be understated. It is a moment of extraordinary adjustment, that may take time to feel comfortable in, as well as to accept.
The nervous system may need time and training when it comes to experiencing the world in this new way. What seems surreal at first, will slowly begin to feel normal, and a comfortable part of your life. However, the shock of it can cause unwanted friction and disturbance for a period of time. It can be extremely debilitating and unsettling depending on the severity of your shift in perception. This can be quite disturbing and will most likely require a support system. If the shift is strong enough, it may be difficult to function in the world as you did before. This may not be the case for everyone, but it will be for some.
HOW TO MANAGE IN PRACTICAL LIFE
No matter where you are in your own undoing process, life still goes on. Figuring out how you are going to continue a sense of normalcy comes into question. It’s helpful to do inner inquiry regularly to assess where you are. Questions you might ask yourself are, “Are you physically challenged by your perceptual shift, or is it only a shift in your mind? Would it make you feel better to talk to a therapist, counselor, spiritual guide, psychotherapist, or any other person aware of the symptoms and challenges of spiritual awakening? Do you need to alter your daily activities, work duties, or social interactions in any way? What will make you feel comfortable during a time you feel so uncomfortable? Are there certain physical activities, exercises, meditations, relaxation techniques, or other sources of insight that may assist you during this transitional time? Or is retreating to a place of solitude in order?” These are all practical solutions to help make the adjustment period more manageable.
There is nothing you can do about seeing differently. It will simply take time to feel comfortable with it. However, having a support network around you will make all the difference. There is nothing worse than having something radical occur, and no one is there to help you. If you have people around you that can assist in any way, speak to them about it. If you do not have people around you, seek out a person aware of such changes in consciousness such as a true shamanic healer or authentic energy worker. It’s certainly easier to find people who understand in the alternative health community than the conventional medical and mental health world. Whomever you choose to work with, make sure you feel completely comfortable with them. Don’t put yourself in a situation that could make your unsettling period worse.
Lastly, aim to go within yourself as much as you can. Creating time to clear your mind and connect with the essence within can pull you into a deeper connection with spirit. You may find solitude and peace here, which will ultimately guide you through this disorienting time. Always remember, this will not last forever, nothing in this world does. Even though you can never know the timeline ahead of you, trust that your experience is an opportunity, even though it may not seem that way right now. One day, this will pass, it will be a thing of the past, and this very unprecedented time will all make sense.