5 Parenting Tips: Shifting Your Awareness to Create a More Peaceful Home
MY QUALIFICATIONS
I am not a child therapist or a psychologist of family studies. I don’t have a plaque on the wall with any clinical background, nor do I care to after all the years dealing with my own kids, and still going. But, what I do have, is years of actual experience raising four very different, energetic, opinionated, difficult, passionate, strong-willed children who have taught me more about parenting than I ever thought possible. Not only have my kids been the greatest teachers, but a major shift in consciousness before they were born, which continued for years even during their adolescence, opened the door into another aspect of my mind that allowed me to see things from a completely different perspective. This doesn’t mean I am a perfect parent, far from it. I have made more errors than I care to admit! But, what it has shown me is there is another way to see that can be brought forth into your life as a parent, that can offer your entire family a feeling of peace, if they choose to see it for themselves.
THE EGO WILL DICTATE AND SPIRIT WILL LOVE
Before we get to some tips that might help you with your own kids, keep in mind the two aspects of the mind, the ego side and the side of spirit. The ego separates and wants authority often acting like a dictator. It has a feeling of superiority and relishes in this role. Spirit connects and comes from the compassionate place of peace. It has no judgment and offers only unconditional love. Looking at these two sides of the mind will help you navigate through the unbelievable trials and tribulations of parenting. Having children can be full of joy, laughter, and happiness, and to the contrary it can feel like a tornado blows through your house on a regular basis. The incredible chaos can drive anyone mad! Learning how to flow like the waves of the ocean with as much ease as possible, from the crest of each wave followed by crashing violently amongst the sand, can keep you centered, connected, and at peace no matter what outrageous activity or behavior your kids partake in. Joining with the side of spirit will make your life a lot easier, even when challenges come your way.
5 TIPS TO STAY ON THE SIDE OF PEACE- #1 LISTEN
When you really listen to your kids, when you give your undivided attention and really hear them, they will trust you and feel comfortable sharing their concerns with you. Barking orders and disciplinary action without hearing their side of the story is like putting someone in prison without a fair trial. It only creates disharmony and dysfunction within your home. It’s easy to assume your kids have done something because they have done it so many times in the past, however, coming at them from something that happened in the past is not necessarily true in the present. Having fresh eyes when dealing with the current situation is important because you stay connected in the moment, you create the space within yourself to hear your child, and it allows you to stay calm instead of jumping the gun like a lunatic ready to pounce and know everything when you don’t.
Start listening to your kids right away, and if you haven’t been you can make the change now no matter how old they are. When they are young and cannot yet communicate verbally, the screaming and crying can become down right annoying, so much so that you despise hearing it. Each time the whining begins you cringe inside and it quite literally drives you insane. It’s difficult to listen to all the time so it makes sense that as parents, we will distract them, offer them a treat, give in to their demands, or whatever immediate solution you can think of to stop your child from violently screaming like the shrieks in the latest horror film.
Even if you have grown children and grandchildren and are realizing you have never listened, then make the shift and see what it’s like now. It’s never too late to start a new way of being. By turning off your own mind, the mind that assumes it knows, and really listen to what they are saying, you’ll have an entirely new perspective not only on your kids, but in how you see things. Actually hearing what others are saying, and turning down your own inner thinker, can make a world of difference within any relationship including the one with your children.
#2- DETACH FROM EXPECTATIONS
Parents often create elaborate mental scenarios of how they want their kids to be, how they want them to behave, what they should look like, what activities they should be involved in, what profession they should enter, you get the picture. It’s easy to have an idea of what you think your kids should be like. After all you’re thinking, this is my child and I can influence them to do what I think is best for them. When you adopt this attitude it’s easy to lose sight of the fact that your child is also on his or her own path in life, which could be completely different than what you think they should be doing. Arguing with reality can make things very complicated in your home, so dropping this need for them to be a certain way will create peace instead of constant disturbance.
When you look at your child for who they really are, rather than the expectation and imagination you have pictured in your mind you’ll begin to really understand them. Dropping the judgment, the disappointed reactions, and eliminating the possible comparison to other kids or to your own childhood allows you to accept them for all that they are. Dissolving any expectation leaves your mind completely open to anything that happens. Nothing will surprise you when you let go of the caricature of your child you have created in your head. It’s only when we label, expect, and place ideals on people that we are shocked when they act out of character.
Ask yourself why you have the need for them to be a certain way? Why do you need them to join this club, or get a certain grade point average, or be in a large group of friends, or be involved with an enormous level of sports that not even you could participate in? Why do they need to go to a certain school, or behave in a way you think is acceptable, or believe in a particular way? What happens to you if they don’t do these things? Is it really about your child, or is it about you? Are you projecting your own childhood onto them? Inquiring within your own mind can help you see what side you are choosing, ego or spirit? If you find yourself getting caught up in needing your children to be a certain way and you are unhappy if they don’t live up to that expectation, then asking these types of questions can help you shift into another way to see, a way that will ultimately make you and your child a lot happier.
#3- GIVE THEM SPACE
Hovering is a thing. The question is what’s the right amount without smothering your kids to death. When they are little, it is easy to get attached to this because you quite literally have to watch them, so they don’t hurt themselves. Many parents will follow their kids every move, others will give them more space to roam, and yet others don’t watch them at all. As your child gets older is typically when you allow them more freedom to make the errors they will indefinitely make. But even young kids need to make those mistakes and it’s okay to let certain things happen, so they learn for themselves. Blocking off a room where they won’t get into too much trouble allows them the freedom to explore without you hovering gives them their own sense of individuality. Also, giving the little ones quiet times, especially if they refuse to nap, can also give them the space to create, to imagine, to discover what they are by themselves without you around. This doesn’t mean you check out entirely, it just means you allow them to get to know who they are without you.
As your kids get older and there is tension between you, sometimes giving them their space simmers the situation. Giving them this space allows them the opportunity to go within themselves and figure things out without you always trying to solve their problems. Stepping back and allowing them to make their own errors without trying to save the day gives them the experience of learning in their own classroom of life. Everyone learns in their own way including your kids. The way you interpret life around you may not be how your child sees it. Respecting that you may see things differently, and that you love them for being true to who they are, will help you feel more at peace when challenging circumstances arise. Recognizing that they learn what they need to learn and it isn’t necessarily about you.
If giving them space turns into too much space that they now disconnect from you completely and you see them struggling, then it’s time to investigate and see what is really going on. Approaching your child from a place of love and compassion and communicating that you are there for them if they need you is essential. They will either share with you or not, but at least you are showing them you care about their well-being. Getting outside advice from a therapist yourself and for your child can also help especially if they are struggling. If there is a problem that needs intervention, then by all means seek it. Just be careful who you select to help you. There are all kinds of opinions on mental health so it’s important to find someone who resonates and shares the same side of compassion about the situation that you do. It’s extremely difficult to watch your child go through hardship, especially if you have never felt it yourself. Keep in mind, on a deeper level, they are here experiencing exactly what they need to. Even though something may appear to be extraordinarily challenging, it may also be waking them up to who they really are.
#4- RELAX A LITTLE- KIDS GO THROUGH PHASES
If your children are grown then you know how many stages they went through during adolescence. If you have very young children, you may be panicking over a strange behavior that you think will last forever. The truth is we all go through phases in life. Some are temporary and some are permanent. However, jumping the gun thinking that the behavior, emotion, newest fad, or any other new trait they exhibit is a problem that is here to stay, may not be the case. See if you can stay present with what is happening and allow your child to work through whatever they are going through. Relaxing a bit and staying connected to the larger awareness within and around you will help you work through any phase your child displays.
When you have the above mentioned expectation that they should be a certain way and they start doing all kinds of strange things that are way outside of that box you already put them in, then you may assume it’s a “problem” and start telling them it’s a problem. Even if you don’t tell them directly they are a problem, the energy you put out will let them know. It’s pretty obvious and kids are sensitive to what you give off. Now, maybe the behavior is a problem, but is it the behavior or them as a person? Is it a problem for the child or is it a problem for you?
If you start labeling the child as a problem, they will hear it, feel it, and believe it, so much so that they think they are always the problem. This can stay with them for a very long time if not their entire life. If your child needs help, get them help, and look at how you frame the topic. Make it clear that it’s the behavior they are working on and it isn’t who they are. Demonstrate to them that everyone has things to work on. Tell them all of us are in the classroom of life and they are not different in any way. Everyone is working on something at some point in their life.
You will notice that all of your kids go through different experiences. Some kids are easier than others and your parenting style with one may not work on another. Avoid comparing these differences as good or bad, or repeating things like, “Why can’t you be more like your brother?” Or, “I didn’t do that when I was a child?” You can feel your kids eye rolling you now. Although it is engrained in us to say these things, they are not helpful and are completely irrelevant to what your child needs. What this particular kid needs has nothing to do with a sibling or what you did when you were growing up. The high horse of self-righteousness is the ego’s way to play. Recognize this when it happens and see if you can make the shift in your mind to seeing with the spiritual teacher within.
#5- TEACH YOUR KIDS TO OBSERVE THEIR OWN MIND
Giving your kids the ability to step outside of their thinking mind and observe their own thoughts and beliefs is likely one of the best things you can teach them. Showing them the tools to liberation and peace will make their lives a lot easier as adults. You can guide them through their thought processes and offer ways to question their thinking. Another way is to demonstrate it yourself, to do it together. Show your kids that this exercise can be done as a family, not just preaching something for them that you don’t even follow. When they see your own humility and willingness to admit when you are caught up in your thinking mind, and when they see you are able to make the changes in yourself, they will be more willing to try it themselves. They may not do it right away, or even while they are living with you, but it may come back to them later in life when they need it most.
This can be taught as early as your kids understand the concept. It’s never too early to start teaching them about how the mind really works. Now, trying to explain this to your three-year-old that is absolutely losing it is not going to help, but whenever your child starts exhibiting the ability to listen and comprehend their own thinking, they are ready to question it too. Each child will mature differently so what age to begin will vary depending on the individual. Making this a normal part of life will also help them learn to deal with whatever comes their way. Who knows, maybe they will share it with their friends who are struggling too.
Obviously the older your children get, they will grab ahold of this concept even more. Unless they are as stubborn as they come and they will resist this process at all costs. The mind will love to tell them that this won’t work, you are a special case, nobody else knows what I am going through, nobody thinks the way I do, and any other excuse the mind comes up with will often present itself. If this is happening and they are very resistant to it, don’t force the issue. Only approach them when they are ready and willing to try. Sometimes they have to start feeling very conflicted, down right awful really, until they are ready to try something new. They may have to be miserable until they want to make the necessary changes within themselves. If this should happen, stay in that space of unconditional love, be there for them regardless of the choices they make.