Parenting: Getting Real With the Chaos
BECOMING A PARENT
When you first find out you are going to be a parent you may be overwhelmed with a mixed bag of emotions. If you were planning and desiring to have a child the news that you are expecting brings you immense joy. You are thrilled that your now going to be a mom or a dad. For others, that have unplanned or surprise pregnancies the news can set off alarm bells and you may be wondering how this is going to work in your life. Are you ready to become a parent? No matter what scenario you fit into, the idea that we are ever ready to become a parent is about as laughable as your future child listening to you.
You can read as many parenting books as you want. You can create a parenting plan with your significant other, and if you are a single parent you can decide for yourself on how you are going to raise your new child. Before the child is born it’s easy to think you have it all figured out. You have formulated a plan and you are dedicated to sticking to it. There is a shared perspective in parenting and you are excited to embark on this adventure with this person next to you. You feel reassured that your style of parenting and the mother or father of your child are on the same page.
Or to the contrary, you are realizing that you have opposing views and you are beginning to wonder how this parenting gig is going to work out if we don’t see eye to eye. Is it possible to be a parenting unit and show opposing views? Or do you have to be one unified front? It’s hard to know the answer to these questions until the reality of parenting sets in.
There are so many ideas, wishes, concerns, worries, and anxieties about being a parent before you actually become one. The day your child is born all of these preconceived views start to dissipate by the minute. You suddenly realize that what you thought you would do as a parent, is not what you are doing at all.
THE REALITIES OF PARENTING
From the minute your child is born, you are exhausted! The blissful notions of you holding your beautiful calm baby and rocking them to sleep have turned into sleepless nights filled with unconsolable crying. You have no idea what is wrong and no idea how to comfort them. Sometimes what you do works, sometimes your baby is happy and joyous, and other times you are at a total loss and have zero clue what to do. You want to throw in the towel and your baby is barely two months old! You’re thinking, “How am I going to do this for the next eighteen years?” Everything you thought it would be like has just proven you otherwise.
When kids are young and cannot communicate it is a very difficult time. Not only are you incredibly frustrated trying to read your baby or toddler’s mind, but your child is equally disturbed wondering why you don’t know what to do. This disturbance plays out regularly on your family room floor when regular tantrums filled with ridiculous crying spells and bodily gyrations seem to last an eternity, or better yet when you are shopping at the local grocery store and this behavior repeats itself. Now you are forced to abandon your almost full shopping cart hoisting your irrational little one over your shoulder and bee-lining it out of there. You realize delivery or a babysitter is in order to accomplish your weekly food order.
If you are lucky, you will have a child who is completely content and is making parenting a joyous experience. You love every minute because your child is happy, easy to console, and listens to you. However, if you find yourself having more kids, at some point at least one of them is going to surprise you in more ways than you can currently imagine.
PARENTING AS AN AUTHORITATIVE DICTATOR
Parenting styles are all over the place. When you are determined to be a certain way, that you will never utter the words your parents spoke, or treat your kids the way your parents did, and then suddenly you are repeating exactly the same things you said you never would say! It’s like an aspect of your personality is on automatic pilot spouting off anything to get your kids to stop doing what they are doing. The very thing you despised you are now expressing. Not so easy is it? Parenting brings out the best and worst of all of us. Your kids will make you feel unconditional love and overwhelming frustration all in the same day! This truly shows the ego mind’s love hate relationship. The question becomes, how do you get out of this battleground?
As parents we are older and more experienced in the world than our children, therefore giving us the authority over our kids. Or, so we think. There is truth to this especially when it comes to making decisions for them while they are minors and do not yet understand how the world operates. This authority hat can often morph into a dictator role where we shout out orders, expecting our children to diligently follow them, and when they don’t meet our expectation, we punish them without any communication or discussion about the matter.
It can become a game, a constant battle where if you don’t do as I say, I will threaten you, I will punish you, I will treat you differently, not speak to you, and withdraw my love from you. The dictator often shows disappointment, speaks in a condescending tone, compares each child to the other, partakes in rampant name calling, and all the other traits authoritative power exhibits. This “my way or the highway” mentality has always been around, and still is around if we so choose to approach parenting in this manner. Plenty of people do. But, it can be met with blow back from our kids who simply show us that this style of barking orders only makes them resent, despise, and want nothing to do with us. They often want to run as far away as possible to get away from the madness.
The dictator calls all the shots without caring for what the child actually wants or needs. The dictator knows what’s best and will make sure that the child knows it. Dictators have a tendency to force their kids into experiences and situations the child may not be comfortable with. Some parents force their kids to participate in activities because they did that when they were a kid without considering if this is right for their own child. There can be a tendency to project their own childhood onto their kids, which is typically an automatic behavior. Most people have no idea they are doing this.
PARENTING AS A COMPASSIONATE GUIDE
When we discuss spiritual transformation and awakening, when the mind shifts into another perspective, it becomes natural that our parenting approach will also be seen differently, why wouldn’t it? When your mind begins to open to infinite possibilities it is absolutely natural that this will slip into your life as a parent. You see that there is another way to lead your kids without the unreasonable traits of the dictator you may have previously been choosing. You desire a more peaceful approach that keeps your home filled with love that also sets boundaries and guidelines for each of your kids.
The compassionate loving side of the mind is the spiritual side of our true nature, or the side of spirit. When you view life from this perception, you can be there as a loving presence for your kids no matter what they get themselves into, and they will get into all kinds of mischievous situations. And, if they aren’t mischievous, there will inevitably be times of challenge and possible struggles when you can use this same loving approach. Coming from a place of love, compassion, kindness, and understanding, yet still enforcing rules, boundaries, and consequences changes the energy of the home completely. When your kids know that you love them no matter what they do, you create an unconditionally loving bond full of trust and honesty. Your kids will know you love them even when they do the most insane things!
This side of the mind is also able to solve problems calmly and efficiently. When there is space within to listen before over-reacting to what your child has done, you can wait for all the information before you decide how to handle the situation. You can ask questions and become curious as to how and why your child fell into the position they are in. When you are able to inquire without the expectation and personalization of what you expected your kids to do, you will feel much more available for them. You can truly help them help themselves when you stay centered in this place of peace. When you jump the gun, assume you know what has happened, and then start barking out commands and orders, your kids will eventually withhold the truth. They will not share anything with you because of your explosive reactions. They may choose to completely disconnect because you are not allowing them to explain, express, or share their side of the story.
DIFFERING VIEWS ON PARENTING
Many couples, divorced couples, step-parents, grandparents, foster parents, you name it and everyone has an opinion on what the right way to parent is. Having different opinions on how to raise your kids or handle discipline can cause obscene amounts of stress in a relationship. Just when you thought you were following the same plan, you now find you oppose your significant other on his or her approach to parenting. Because you feel differently about how to parent, you think your relationship is doomed for failure. Do parents have to be on the same page all the time? Is this even realistic?
The reality that people will agree on everything is never going to happen. We all have different perspectives and see situations in different ways. This will always be the case which makes it difficult to agree or compromise especially if you viewed the experience differently. The most you can do is listen to each other, see how each one sees the circumstance, and understand why they see it this way. If you can see why they believe what they believe you can begin to accept where they are coming from, even if you agree or not.
Just because you see things differently does not mean you can’t come to some mutual agreement on how to move forward on the parenting front. Sometimes surrendering your fixed position is necessary to move things forward. If we hold on too strongly to our belief in how a situation needs to be handled we are not open to other potential solutions. As long as no one is being harmed, a bit of give and take may be necessary for the relationship to continue. In some cases, there are too many extreme differences with neither party willing to budge which can ultimately end the relationship.
If you are able to parent with opposing views some of the time, you are showing your kids the reality of the world. People have differing opinions all the time. If your kids never see conflict, or opposition, they may not know how to handle it when they go out into the world on their own. The key is to be respectful, kind, and loving when you share opposing view points. If this is met from a place of compassion and love, your kids will grow up understanding it is okay to think differently and still respect the other person for what they believe, even if you disagree. Teaching your kids that there is only one way is limiting and often teaches them to be fearful of others who may see things from another perspective.
APOLOGIES AND FORGIVENESS
One gift you can give your kids is demonstrate what you want them to learn. Admitting when you crossed a line as a parent, apologizing for your actions or regretted words, and demonstrating your own imperfections will show them that it’s okay to make mistakes. After all, we all make errors no matter what age we are. When we are able to get real with this in ourselves, and tell them when we are wrong, it will help them understand their own mistakes are natural and simply a part of living in this world. The more we can step out of the thinker and see with the observer, it is easier to see what we are doing, it is easier to depersonalize the situation and admit what we did was wrong.
Many people have difficulty in this department, admitting when we are wrong. The ego mind despises looking within to see we might be part of the problem. When you are able to do this, not only do you feel better releasing this truth, but you teach your kids that taking responsibility for your actions is a means to real healing. You are teaching them to take responsibility for themselves. Actually admitting what you are doing allows you the space to make a change next time, it allows you to choose differently when you are presented with another conflict with your child.
Lastly, forgiving your child when they have done something wrong is imperative for both of you to establish a truly loving relationship. You are letting them know that no matter what they do, there is always the opportunity of forgiveness, of letting go, and letting in love. You are keeping your child on an equal playing field as yourself. If you refuse to forgive you are basically saying that the behavior is unforgivable and now I am withdrawing my unconditional love and showing you what conditional love is. You are demonstrating that there are limits to your love, which is the ego’s favorite kind. By living in this way, you also teach your kids to have conditions, to withdraw love themselves when someone steps out of their expectation.
Forgiveness does not mean there are no consequences, it simply means that whatever the consequences are you still forgive and love them. Rules are a way of the world and you can still implement all the rules you wish too, however you still act compassionately. You don’t alter your behavior or attitude and show extreme disappointment. You see your child as the same spiritual essence as you are, you are one and the same thing. Just because you are the authority figure, does not mean you are any different. You can still be a leader and a guide to your kids treating them with love and respect as equals instead of the ego’s preferred method of madness.