What is Love?
THE WORLD’S VIEW OF LOVE
Love. Everyone wants it. Whether you admit it or not. Romantic love is interpreted by the world as finding the love of your life that satisfies your own inner desire to be adored, to feel needed, wanted, admired, and the only one your significant other puts up as his or her special person. Does this resonate? Do you want to feel uniquely loved by your girlfriend, your boyfriend, your spouse, your significant other, or your partner so that they do not adore, love, or treat any other person in this way? You are their indefinite special bond.
Just look at Disney! The princess is always awaiting her gorgeous Prince Charming to rescue her from her horrid life. The concept of another person fulfilling a sense of lack within is projected everywhere. It’s not just drilled into small children. Romance novels, romantic movies, the inherent pressures to be loved by another, that somehow two is better than one and will magically make you whole, is an ideal the human experience has been conditioned to believe and has been committed to for eons.
Unconsciously, we all want this person to be with us for life, to be there no matter what, to love us perfectly until death do us part. How is that working out for most people? How well do these ideas and concepts of love actually work out in real life? Not so well.
According to a recent article in Forbes, Revealing Divorce Statistics in 2024, the statistics still show half of marriages end in divorce, at least when you are looking at first marriages. Second and third marriages actually end at a much higher rate, if you can believe that. (Bieber, Christy. (January 8, 2024). Revealing Divorce Statistics in 2024. Forbes.com)
The cultural expectation of love does not have to be limited to romantic love either. This goes far and wide. Needing love from your family, your parents and siblings, the grandparents, your children and grandchildren, your friendships, students and teachers, and those closest to you are other forms of relationships that we tend to expect certain treatment. Even our pets! We come home and love that our animals shower us with love! Most dogs greet you with unconditional love, wagging tails, or jumping all over you in excitement. However, they too fall into specialness. When they feel threatened, just look how fast they attack with incessant barking, growling with their vicious lethal looking teeth, like at any moment they’ll go nuclear. Although animals tend to stay more in the moment with their instincts, they too project both sides of the mind, the love and hate that is prevalent in the ego thought system.
THE EGO’S SPECIAL LOVE
In order to dissect love, it is valuable to look at the ego’s idea of love, which is where most of us are living. Even the word dissect gives you a clue that it consists of levels and layers of separation and conditions. This is the ego’s special love. Because it identifies as a unique individual, it naturally projects out a special unique person to provide the special love it seeks. It really believes this special relationship will be the answer to wholeness. The ego basis its special loving relationships on the two foundational principles of the world, love and hate, the polar opposites, and neither represents the reality of who we are.
The very fact that we are human in a body living in a world of opposites is proof enough that we operate with an ego. We literally see separation every day, separate bodies, genders, countries, neighborhoods, races, languages, ideas, thoughts, you name it and the world projects separation on every level imaginable. It makes perfect sense that this projection would affect the way we interpret, view, and expect love. After all, this is duality. This is not a non-dual place of infinite peace and oneness. Non-dualism is a metaphysical principle we can conceptualize and hope to return to, but asking the entire world to become non-dual is not possible.
The more we understand what the ego is doing, the more we see how it operates, especially when it comes to relationships, the easier it is to identify what we are doing in order to choose another way, that is if you are seeking this in your life. Without looking at the ego’s system, it is difficult to make substantive and lasting change. So, let’s dive in and look at a handful of words the ego uses to define our love relationships. Keep in mind this is how we have been conditioned to believe in love. This does not mean it’s true.
SPECIALNESS, CONDITIONAL, EXPECTATIONS, ADORATION, DEFENSE, ATTACK, PROJECTION, EXLUSION, SEPARATION, VALIDATION, COMPETITION, JEALOUSY, DEPENDENCY, COMPARING, DISCONNECTION, BETRAYAL, DISHONESTY, FEELING OF LACK, FULFILLS HAPPINESS, LOVE/HATE, JUDGMENT (Just to mention a few.)
In most relationships, whether it is a romantic partnership, friendship or a familial bond, there are certain expectations you might put on that relationship in order to make you happy. If you are in a romantic relationship, you might expect your significant other to behave in a certain way, speak in a certain way, treat you how you believe you should be treated, adorn you with material goods (if that is important to you), and most of these are simply ideals you hold in your mind. In the beginning, both of you are on your best behavior, impressing each other with your best traits, making each other extremely happy, watching yourself closely, trying not to offend the other, staying immersed in their adoring gaze, feeling the love in their touch, and doing everything humanly possible not to reveal your other side! There is no need to rock the boat when everything seems so perfect, right? Let’s pretend a little longer!
Eventually, if you are in a relationship long enough, the ego’s hatred will express itself. Your expectations are not met, you are now attacking and judging one another, threatening to withhold love, throwing conditions everywhere, feeling jealous of another better-looking person flirting with your special person, projecting all kinds of insecurities onto what seemed like a perfect love story, and now you are ending the relationship. You have put each other on the list of people you hate the most and envision their face on a dart board where you hit the target every time! This is the reality of most relationships. Is this real love? Or is this a roller coaster of insanity projecting by a delusional ego gone mad? How is it possible to love someone so much, and then hate them even more?
SPIRIT’S REAL LOVE
The ups and downs of the ego’s love hate whirlwind is enough to make most people stop looking for love. Instead of looking for love, let’s look at it differently, and with a much wiser Teacher. Turning 180 degrees the other direction, you will see the perspective of spirit, which is a completely different vantage point, one most of us are not accustomed to. This vantage flips your view from projecting outward, into pointing inward and looking within yourself. There is no longer a need to seek love from another because that never works. The only solution to feel real love is discovering it within yourself. When you feel it deeply, then you can extend it to others, even a special romantic love of the world.
The ego and spirit do not see eye to eye, not even close. Spirit is always working to remind us of Home, our true Nature in Love in God, whereas the ego wants us focused on making the ideals of the world, of specialness and separation, much more valuable. One of the best ways to learn our spiritual nature is through relationships. They are our number one source to clarity, mostly due to the fact that we quickly want to make ourselves right and the other person wrong.
According to A Course in Miracles, spirit sees everything of the world as an illusion, that is has no real meaning. Our real meaning is in God, and in God there is only love. This love is beyond anything we can comprehend because we are so rooted in our special unique relationships. Spirit guides us to connect with our loving essence and join with another without judgment, comparison, or competition. There are no levels in the love of spirit. Everyone is equally deserving and representative of love.
From spirit’s loving presence love and happiness are within everyone, it is not something you seek from someone else because you already have it. The ego convinces us we are missing this critical piece; however, the truth is, we’ve never been without it. It is always present within us. If only we turn our attention inward for real love, we will discover it is always available. Not only is it available, but it is also something we can share with others.
Just as the ego has its common language, spirit’s love has its representatives as well. Here’s a list of words that comes to mind. Notice how completely opposite they are from the conditions of the ego mind.
EXTENSION/EXTENDING, UNCONDITIONAL, INCLUSION, COMPASSIONATE, ACCEPTING, ONENESS, CONNECTED, HOLINESS, EMPATHETIC, UNDERSTANDING, SUPPORTIVE, ENCOURAGING, AVAILABLE, NON-JUDGMENTAL, PEACEFUL, HONESTY, TRUTHFUL, HAPPINESS, JOY, CALM, CARING, KINDNESS, OPENNESS, HUMBLE, HUMILITY, ALL ENCOMPASSING, LISTENING, BOUNDLESS, LIMITLESS
Do you see how opposite these two systems are? Relinquishing conditions upon love is not easy to do, especially if you have been engrained to believe love should meet your expectation. Stopping the search in another and shifting to look within yourself is a radical change that can make all the difference not only in your life, but all of your relationships. Dropping your ideas of what your relationship should look like and accepting the other person for who they actually are, can transform everything. It is a step to a more peaceful life and understanding, loving, and compassionate interactions with everyone you encounter.
SPECIALNESS TO UNCONDITIONAL
Spirit will use the ego’s system of specialness to reach us in any way we are willing to listen. It is through specialness we can emerge wiser and choose a holy relationship, rather than one based on lack, unhappiness, and illusory love.
Two simple strategies that can help you choose a more loving teacher to guide you through your relationships are:
1) LOOK and ANALYZE what teacher you are listening to in your relationships, the ego or spirit?
Are you siding with your ego’s conditioning?
Are you programmed to believe the ideals of love the world is projecting on to us?
Or are you projecting them on your own?
Have you been taught certain things by others about love that seem unrealistic?
Do you keep asking others to change for your sake? Do you expect them to change or you won’t love them?
Do you have exceedingly high expectations of your loved one?
Are you always finding things to pick at? Are you always unhappy with what they do?
Why do you have these ideals?
What do they do for you? At some point, taking responsibility for what you are doing, not always pointing the blame at the world, but rather realize you don’t have to believe in it, can facilitate major growth and eventual lasting transformation. The ego doesn’t even realize that spirit will use its illusion of specialness to get through to us.
Once you give it an honest look, then ask if you are happy in this way? Does this work for you? Are you enjoying the roller coaster of emotional ups and downs? If you are consistently tired of living in this way, then move on the next step.
2) BE OPEN to the spiritual side of love.
Can you broaden your feeling about love into an unconditional and non-judgmental approach?
Can you turn your attention inward to discover love and peace in yourself instead of seeking it in another?
Do you realize that your ideas about people are simply ideas, and not always the truth?
Can you see others as yourself? As spirit in a body trying to figure out life just like you?
If you are wanting change in the relationship, start with yourself? What can you do differently?
Focus on really listening to others so you can begin to understand where they are coming from.
Practice compassion and empathy rather than thinking you know what is best for those around you.
Can you extend real love even to those that may be indifferent to you, dislike you, or separate themselves from you and vice versa?
Can you drop how you think relationships should be and allow spirit to guide you using forgiveness and acceptance, even if you must part ways?
Learning to shift your perception from seeking outside of yourself for love from another, turning the attention inward is where the journey begins for real transformation and real love, even if the relationship works or not. Your ego relationships of specialness can be transformed into holy relationships with spirit giving you a much deeper connection to everyone around you. If you need to part ways with someone, seeing it with spirit can keep you more at peace, no matter what it looks like on the outside. Sometimes loving someone enough is to let them go.